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it's hard to understand and try to dismantle yourself in hopes to find that little part of you that if brought to light, people would frown in disapproval. they don't understand it and i can't say that i do either. i just can't understand what is it about the word daddy.. that makes my knees weak and the idea of strong arms that makes me want to caressed by them.
what is it about diapers that fills me with a whirlwind of different emotion, some slightly naughty, some of extreme comfort and others total humiliation..
what is it about the idea of giving up control that makes my heart be fast, the disappearing of my strong facade that makes me a little happy inside.
what is it about all the things child-like that attracts me to them, like a moth to a flame.
what is it about spankings and punishments that hurt when being applied but leaves me wanting more ...
some people would say that there's something wrong with me, and i would agree. some people bask in these little secrets and some gets consumed by it all. i just wish i understood why i have such inclinations toward things that aren't labeled as "normal". sure spankings are kinky and pretty mainstream . why couldn't i just stop there . or maybe just be a little child like. i'm sure most guys could that it and play along. but the extent that i'm attracted to it would freak so many out and so many don't even know about this lifestyle/fetish...

this loops back to the person who was treating me. i can't say who was right or wrong . but no matter what the case is, threatening someones personal secrets is downright nasty, i would never do that to anyone no matter how hurt or angry i was at the person. and i never expected a daddy dom to do that to me. i really would like to go into detail of how things escalated from my point of view . i can't say that it's 100% what happened since things from an individuals perspective is often blind to other factors that were not taken into account but i've gone back over and over again of how i could have handled the situation but to no avail i couldn't spot something that i did that would make him blow up like that. but whatever. i'm getting sidetracked. the thing that disturbed me the most was how he kept say he hoped that i'd find mental help for being such a deviant. for desiring all what i have put out there. he's keep going about how i'd be going to see someone for this kink. i mean obviously i know this person is a little unstable . i mean come on, you are in the same freaking boat, and you're really pointing a finger at me saying that i'm different and i need help ? really ?

and so of course that scarred me, it made me really angry and realize that yeah . the internet is where i hide and feel safe to be myself... to openly say things to people i don't know cuz i know that even if i'm judge all i need to do is delete. but i've been thinking alot about who i am, why i am the way i am, and there are just some things we experienced consciously or unconsciously that trigger desires and different reactions to things. i decided that the lack of a relationship with my dad is just a big part of what was missing in my life. and it just manifested into wanting someone to protect me and look out for me.. i also grew up trying to be strong . getting into fights to prove something, dressing boyish so that i wouldn't be messed with. and at one point in my youth i was touch inappropriately by someone in the family. nothing too bad. but if anything, it awoken my curiosity without ever fully comprehending what it was. getting picked on at school, feeling like an outcast. these are all little factors that build and merge and from who i am.

so these are the things that made me, and i understand them relatively well now, but the next step is trying to stop hiding behind the screen in hopes to find someone who'd accept me , instead, try be honest with myself and face the world head on. i don't think i'm ashamed of who i am or who i turned out to be, because we all have flaws that we need to work on, and i don't think i'm afraid of being myself with people. (not completely regressing mind you ) but i know i'm naturally just a little more child like and that's okay . some people won't like it and some people will.if you're honest and real and try your best to be a good person, you are bound to find like minded people who will love you for who you are.

and i knoooow this is a ramble but if you stuck with me through it all, thanks,
i hope some of it made sense and that whoever you are, and whatever you are feeling right now .
i hope you feel better. life's too short to be scarred. to be angry..

so... what is it about butt plugs.. .. ..... oh well

Feel better babygirl. Again, this guy is very unstable and probably driven by a lot of bad emotions and sickens me.
Also, again lol, EVERYone's got their little things, sexual paraphilia gets ALOT wierder than this (Lol, not from personal experience, but I have read a lot lol).
And finally, I don't li...
  • July 7, 2012
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In reference to the fist paragraph of your post; I think you’ve hit a form of the main questions associated with AB/DL existentialism. And as in the greater scope of existentialism and metaphysics, you are trying to answer unanswerable questions - answers which cannot be logically derived or confirm...
  • July 9, 2012
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